Confessions in english d'une blessée par la Vie (FoL thérapie)

Voici des textes que j'ai partagé dans un espace sacré en ligne (celui du cours de Fountain Of Life), et je fais le choix de le publier ici car cet espace m'appartient et ne transgresse pas les règles d'intimité et de privauté des autres membres du cercle. Même si je parle des deux profs, mais je trouve important de reporter tous les sentiments négatifs que je nourris à leur encontre, aussi blessant, stupide et immature soient ils, c'est la vérité toute nue, aussi belle et aussi laide que la vie.

Premier billet :

I'm actually struggling with the notion that FoL cannot be a group therapy.... I mean, not even in a spiritual healing way ? I don't understand the limit here (besides from obvious legal reasons). Please, aknowledge that I'm very responsive to the fire element and that it's my fire speaking here... I have issues obeying and respecting limits when I cannot see the wisdom and the love behind it :s, it's not a very easy aspect of me, I know that.

But it's important, I need to understand it to integrate and respect it, thank you for your patience and understanding 　 I'm not always a pain in the ass xD, please-don't-reject-me-this-has-happened-a-lot émoticône tongue

Truth be told, it's a big karma thing with me : almost all my teachers get rid of me while I'm struggling with the limits of the teaching and the work that can be done... CHAOS thing in me, snake energies that are not easy to contain or assume. Well, REALLY hard to assume and honor, and even MORE difficult to use or ride in a non-destructive way...
This chaotic way of thinking and behaving lead me to BIG heart wounds in my life... with others, mostly with persons that are really attached to rules and order. So, with this fire burning it is really difficult for me not to cross limits because I kind of hate them, to be honest :s. like big barriers of protection for power, and the power of love mostly......

And yes I will hide behind my snake ! This power animal is VERY difficult to be seen as "good" and wise... Few days ago during my dreamtime, he bite me in my bedroom... i guess I'm still afraid of his gift of power and chaos, I mean, How power and chaos can lead to a bright and positive path ?!

I'm glad I'm given an opportunity to express myself about it, because I could sense the chaotic-breaking-barriers pulse in me about this journey and... well I would like to be constructive this time émoticône squint'... I'm also seeing that it's a lot of impatience, and the goddess is archly looking at me burning again, in joy rage and chaos, and waiting for me to go back into her womb, burnt and disappointed that "all is not happening right now in a worldly bliss" or something oO. Somehow, I know all I want will come, in due time, in 20,30,40 years... maybe ? If I follow the path ? Maybe I don't trust mankind enough...

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Deuxième partage, à poil :

I was present when the Atlantis collapsed, I didn't survived. I was a young human soul then... the end of matriarchy. It shocked me. I wanted to be here when the goddess would rise again, I wanted to repair me, the planet, my loved ones. I think I integrated that Elders can be VERY wrong. I integrated that deep distrust for mankind too... We, as specie, are hurting the planet, animals so badly... it make my heart cry, I can feel the pain in my flesh, I'm empath. I guess that's why I incarnated in this life to be a wounded therapist, to cure the masculine side of me, to help the world from all my powers and abilities... Also, I choose to have a twin flam responsibility. He's just from the other side of my heart, in my sleep we are reunited, but my head know he's hurt too... since we cannot be reunited yet, I'm pissed. I know he's on the way, I'm trying to discover the way (really really trying ]:) .....). But it's just a matter of time.

And it is no coïncidence my first name is really Viviane, I was meant to follow the path of the goddess, uncover a lot of things about Avalon (that is why I joined the apprenticeship, I did'nt really want to do the course, but I really really wanted to go to Glastonbury xD). In the Air element, I understood that I would be guided to do this rebirth (it was programmed). That I would cure myself from the love wounds. Because there is no greater power ^^... I wanted to save me, save the planet. I didn't trust the elders to do it. I know I'm a "young" soul. And I worry I would not be recognized worthy of them o_O ! Some nights ago, I saw Azra and Seren in a chamanic assembly, with other school teachers. I was a student and (I'm sorry I'm so mean !!) disrepected Seren when she started to summon the srpirits of ALL THE RELIGIONS (I was bored : ALL of them, really ??? What a endless list ! Stop being so ingenuous. I'm not proud of this dream, whereas it's quite revealing about my psyche and my feelings of envy (hmmm, not wise at all, envy émoticône grin )..... I envy you, I don't quite trust you from my hurt heart. The story of my life émoticône grin !!!

One of the old one told me I have a purple aura. I'm an indigo child, I have a mission. I'll birth a new world, with my love, my womb. I'll do everything "perfect". What a fucking program. But I feel alone, an orphan. I have to do it on my own, it's not true, but I feel like it !!! Why can't I ask for help ??? Well I know, that's the masculine wound. My feminine wounds are quite easy compared to the burden of the masculine o_o' ! And I know only the feminine side can repair the damage. With love. When I see a man, I'm seduced, but I'm also trying to compete with him ! "You are no better than me ! I AM BETTER !" I guess this is a very very old ego wound... the disvalued men. Who want to be loved, that is all. Who are incapable of love, letting the guard down. Mistrust is deep, deep, feels like dying to accept it. The dying ego.

This night, I dreamt about the goddess. I was in her arms. It's the only place I feel safe now. Really. My chamanic prophety is this (translated, so the play on words is probably lost) : "the wing of the crow is black". In a full moon night, on the back of a flying crow. I almost banged my head against the walls when I tried to understand it. I thought "this is a witch path !", it's talking about the goddess, the Yin ! And of course, a surprising spiritual journey. I was still in university, repeating for the 4th time my 4th year in the psychology curriculum, hurting myself with egos and intellectual masturbation all around, feeling lost, so lost.

I need self-acceptance, but it sound like ego !!! The line is so thin ! Is anyone struggling with this particular challenge too ? What is the secret ? I don't feel the goddess can help me in this one, no ? I think it's the god that can. But the god connexion is not easy, is he in such a bad shape that I sense he is ? I do have this impression. I feel the god is wounded, I hold a part of his wounds. Can I cure him in me, before I met my beloved ? When all my goddess powers will be set, could I do the job on my own ? I feel he has to die and be reborn inside the goddess. So, a full change. But how can I let the god die in me..... ? This is difficult ! I would have to be only yin ? Is this my path ? It is a total transformation, I mean, reverse ALL polarity, I think my god know/fear that. That's why he's kicking so hard, making the same mistakes again and again. I fear I'll lose all my personnality. That I would be a total different person. Would I lose my humor, my joy ? Thoses shiny and warm gifts ? Would I be only love ? Is love ALL of it ?
I don't know how to do it. i can trust myself... I beginning to really trust the goddess. But I don't trust you guys xD, it's true. Guess I envy your love and your couple, Azra Bertrand and Seren Swannesha Bertrand x).... well, I am literally and physicly naked now... hope this won't hurt XD

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Last night, I was preparing do to the pelvic presence, setting my phone and headphone... then it happened. My phone got hijacked. I really don't know what is happening, but it is the third time it happen to me. I know this is NOT a "bug". It is an intervention, really. My pc has been a guide since I got it... virus : BAM, you lose ALL your life. The sims cannot run ? You cannot hide in virtuality !
It is a gateway to the web of life, but also it can close its doors for me, when I need to be in the life itself. So, I knew something was going on. But what ? The playlist derivated on system of a down. "Violent pornography". This is sooo revealing : unsacredness, violence, sexuality... the dark shadows of men, the yang that hurt women but still attract you from the hips !!! The sound of this music just speak to me.
And then I aknowledge that, honestly, the voice of Seren would have set my fire on anger... and I DID worked my pelvis all morning, being present, sensing my sacrum tinkle, being the anchor in a world of "hily vibrating and highly self-blinding" people... allowing myself to STOP flying and see the good, the balanced and the wisdom of all-commun people and talks. The materiality.
Wisdom of matriarchy speaking to me trough the lips of commun people, commun gesture... Spirits bugged my phone, as well as ladybug keep on dying around me, as well as I'm on the path of the goddess, SHE directly intervene in my material life through its void, like the holy hand of Murphy's law. Always. She have always been here, teaching me through mistakes, again and again, forcing me to follow her path, no choice, making my life difficult and disharmonious if I kept on being too celestial whereas my path is life itself. The school of life. Some of my soul familty lean from her in places I couldn't follow, since mankind is so hardcore. I did'nt take the advance masterclass of Hell, but I see hell, I hear it.
I know when there is shadow. I hear it, like a bat. You cannot hide from me, I see right through you, my eyes are open, they see you.
I see your shadow, Seren Swannesha Bertrand and I'm so fucking fearing that I'll thraw them at you, like I always did to people I want to help, people I love but cannot help, because I suffer from the exact same wounds that hurt my heart too...
Revealing and speaking for the shadows is not easy, but I begin to know how I'll manage to do it. Melting the taboos, revealing the beauty of the night, the beauty of despair, the howl of men to the moon, the rebirth.
Rebirthing the darkness, the fear, the unwanted, the impossible, the evil.
I can help, in joy, in beauty, in love ^^, and I love it !!
This is why I'm the rebellous one, the one that accepted to upset the status quo, who have the power to see it. Like all my soul family. DOING it, transforming shit in gold by words is my way, my gift, my healing to the world. I feel my sacredness, my soul gift taking form as I rebirth myself, as I allow the darkness to be seen through me. The beauty of suffering.
I'm being tested, I'm at a turning point. Can I be humble enough ? Franc enough ? Beautiful and joyful and playful and seductive enough ^^ ? I am doing it, now and more and more and more and more and more, because I love you all, love is my quest, It's a fucking beautiful quest, the better ^^ !!!!!!!!!!

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